What Are We Missing?
May 23, 2024
I've often talked about how important spending time with your horse without agenda is. Those quiet, calm moments when we take the time to just 'be' with them in their own space and time. It's something that we teach and practice frequently.
It has become clear over my life with horses, that these moments can be the most powerful at building a relationship that goes beyond fulfilling a physical need in our horses. When we consistently practice this, our horses begin to seek out this connection which is truly magical.
These moments, when our horses actively seek us out, not for food, shelter or to relieve pain, but in order to make a connection or find security, are known as 'bids for connection'.
'A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. In humans, bids show up in simple ways, a smile or wink, and more complex ways, like a request for advice or help.' The Gottman Institute
In social mammals such as humans, horses and dogs, a bid is the fundamental unit of emotional communication.
Recognising when our horses are making these bids, is a valuable aid in building a strong, trusting and mutually rewarding relationship.
For me, my ponies request bids in different ways and times depending on who it is.
Oscar will often make a bid for connection in the mornings. After we've had hay top ups, or a forage walk together, he'll come and stand close, not touching, but close. I now recognise this as a request so crouch down in front of him. He then puts his head over my shoulder and pushes me into his chest. Sometimes he'll initiate mutual grooming, other times he just wants still contact. I've learned to follow his lead in this beautiful time together.
Pixie, requests in a similar way, coming close, but she tends to position herself side on. Mostly she doesn't want physical contact, just the close proximity, although sometimes, she'll move in a little closer as in the picture below.
Yes, in terms of operant conditioning, my response to their actions is positively reinforcing—but it is so much more than that!
It is an opportunity for them to feel 'seen', a fundamental need in a social species.
It tells them (and us when considering how humans use bids for connection), that they are secure within the immediate social network. This, in turn, tells their nervous system that they are safe. Feeling safe and secure means they can spend more energy learning, exploring, growing.
So what if we don't recognise or respond to these bids for connection?
Social pain happens when a bid for connection isn’t met.
When bids for connection are denied (for whatever reason) they cause momentary emotional pain called social pain. In social mammals, social/emotional pain is processed in the same brain regions as physical pain (the anterior cingulate cortex, or ACC. And yes, horses have an ACC); in brain scans these two types of pain appear identical. Social pain may actually cause aversive physical sensations in some individuals (i.e. when feeling ignored, rejected, dismissed, or treated with contempt).
So why would the brain interpret social pain similarly to physical pain? Because for social mammals, physical safety is dependent on being part of a social group. (From an evolutionary perspective, being shunned, being excluded, or being an outsider could have meant danger or death! Social pain may drive changes in behaviour to increase chances of social acceptance.)
The number of affiliative behaviours shown by horses is immense and range from 'breathing each other in' to resting their heads on each other's backs, with many actions in between including nudging and rubbing. These behaviours can also been seen as bids for connection.
How does your horse make a bid for connection with other herd mates and with you? Watch them with this in mind, and you may be surprised at the bids you have been missing.
Book your free call today to learn more about the Horse Play At Home Learning Hub and check if it's right for you.
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